This is not going to be a positive text, it will not end on a high note. It will be as difficult to read through as it is to feel all of these things.
There are periods in our lives, when no matter what we do it’s just not enough. We’re not enough, our actions are not good enough. And we keep drowning. Nothing we do seems to work. All our efforts seem worthless.
You go through days trying to hide this. You put a smile on your face, pretend everything is alright, pretend that you’re happy and cheerful. But then you go to bed. And you can’t fall asleep. Because you have this ache in your stomach, your mind is so loud. And it looks like everything is falling apart, you’re falling apart. It looks as though everything you were building in your life is put into question. You want to try and be positive, you want to be brave, you know it’s just a storm. But somehow, you can’t see the way out. It’s pitch dark outside, and you don’t have a flashlight.
You start wondering who the hell am I? Who am I as a person? And no answers come. You no longer have any idea who are you, what your goals are, what you are fighting for. And you can’t remind yourself of who you were before, it is impossible. You’re stuck with the ache in your stomach, and a fear that you are worn out.
You feel so tired. Every part of you hurts. Even if you knew how to fight, you wouldn’t have the strenght for it. And you feel so alone. You are surrounded by people, by friends, by people who you love and who love you. And yet you feel so alone. There is no one among them who would just sit in silence with you, let you be alone but with someone. And it hurts. A lot. You have no way of silencing your mind. When someone tells you have faith in yourself, it sounds fake. Because you’re trying really hard to believe in yourself – but it just isn’t happening. Every step you take is the wrong step. Every word you say is the wrong word. Everything is just wrong.
There is no golden formula how to overcome this. We all do it differently. It is not something you can sleep over, and be wiser in the morning. You have to redefine most of the things in your life, you have to redefine yourself. And that is always a painful process. I wish I could tell you it will pass, but I can’t. It’s mainly up to you if it will pass.
But, in my experience, there are two things with which you can win every battle in life, no matter how difficult it is. First one is blind faith it will get better. And the second one is one person. Just one person. Whose hand you can hold in complete silence and not feel so alone. In whose hug you can fall apart and put yourself back together. Who just won’t give up on you no matter how fucked up you are. They are the ones who will provide a flashlight for your darkness.