On being afraid.

You start, and then you change your mind. So you give up. And then start all over again, until you’re stuck in a vicious circle. Never able to make up your mind, to say: this is it! You do this every day. Actually, every moment of every day. Somehow the courage to escape this repetition never comes, the fear always overcomes the wish to do something of importance. Answers to almost every question are I don’t know or I’m not sure. You live without faith in yourself, always doubting. There is this constant fear that you will make a mistake and ruin everything you have built so far. So you allow yourself to miss upon the most beautiful moments, and you let go of people who made you feel alive. No matter what you do, you’re in constant self-doubt. Too afraid to put down your walls, for which you think are protecting you so well. Let me tell you something. They are not. They are only making you hurt more. When you are alone in the dark, you realize just how empty you feel. And you crave for that emptiness to disappear. But it cannot disappear unless you put work into it. It cannot happen on its own, overnight. It takes courage, time and a lot of risk. By protecting yourself, you start running away from everything that matters. Life becomes a day-to-day routine, never any grand plans for which you work every day. How many times did you push someone away from your life because you were afraid of how free they were? That’s what we do to people who don’t accept to be ordinary. We push them away because it’s scary to walk in their shoes. It requires everything you have.

Over every spoken word and over everything you do, there is this uncertainty. So you let the most beautiful things happen in uncertainty. You ask yourself, is it really perfect, ’cause it’s impossible for anything this perfect to happen to me. So you just never give one hundred percent of yourself to anything or anyone. You think to yourself, there has to be some catch. There has to be something wrong. And days pass you by like that. And at the end of each day, doubt is still there. Utter unhappiness is still there. In the end, it is not your problems that suffocate you. You suffocate yourself with fear that if you just forget about everything for a moment and let go, you will lose control. Let me add, the control was never for you to have.

Start small. Pick one thing you want to change and give it everything you have. Maybe it’s an exam you really want to pass, or a task at work for which you really want to get recognition. It doesn’t matter. But when you show yourself you can do it on one thing, start applying it to people in your life. Contact those who you’ve pushed away in fear. And start appreciating every person in your life who gives you a reason to smile.

Be brave. Be reckless. And above all – believe in yourself.

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